Childhood. Sport.

In winter my Mummy plays basketball and netball and volleyball. In summer she plays softball and sometimes outdoor basketball but mostly softball. She plays with my Aunty Phyllis. Aunty Phyllis is my godmother. Mummy keeps saying "Phyllis when are you getting married?" And Aunty Phyllis laughs and says when she meets the right man.
I love Aunty Phyllis. She tickles my back. She said I'm like a rug because I lie across her lap when she does it. She's got long nails and she tickles my back by doing swirls with her nails. I love it until all the blood rushes to my head and I feel all stuffed up like my eyeballs are going to pop out and I have to go to bed.
I have a lot of Aunties who play softball with Mummy. There's Aunty Gladys, Aunty Margaret, Aunty Anna, Aunty Mary, Aunty Susan, Aunty Ngaire, Aunty Jean, Aunty Jenny, Aunty Michelle, Aunty Fanny, Aunty Rosemary and Aunty Dutch.
Aunty Rosemary and Aunty Dutch are my favourites. I always sit on Aunty Dutch's lap at the game when Aunty Rosemary tells them what to do. They live in the same house and Mummy says they are special friends. Even more special than Mummy and Aunty Phyllis.
Aunty Rosemary coaches the team and Aunty Dutch is the Manager. Mummy says Rosemary's like the girl and Dutch is like the boy, even though they're both ladies. Aunty Gladys said Aunty Dutch is the 'butch' and Aunty Rosemary is the 'femme'. Aunty Phylllis said Aunty Gladys shouldn't say that. Aunty Gladys says the truth hurts. Aunty Mary said they should both mind their own beeswax. Then Mummy said they should all just shut up and get on with the game.
Mummy's the Captain and I am the Mascot and I just watch them play or sometimes they put me in the equipment bag to go to sleep. Softball is boring so I sleep a lot.
Mummy says I should like sport but I don't. I would rather watch 'Bewitched' or 'I Dream of Genie' or 'Doctor Who' or 'Thunderbirds' or 'Wonder Woman' or anything but sport. She tries to teach me how to throw properly and catch the softball, but I always throw over hand which she says is wrong. I should throw to the side. I would just rather not throw at all. And that ball is bloody hard. It hurts sometimes when I catch it because Mum throws so hard.
I throw like a girl. I run like a girl. Its embarassing. I was playing tiggy one day at school and my best friend said, "Richard runs like this!" and then ran with her hands in the air and flapped her wrists like they were wet and she was trying to dry them. Everybody laughed. I laughed too but I was really embarassed. So I didn't know how to run, without making people laugh. So I tried not to run at all.
I make people laugh a lot. I try not to but they just do. My brother's girlfriend says I have a funny face. She said she loves it. My funny face. She's a bit weird. But I suppose thats why, people laugh.

Mummy said to run with your hands down like I am going somewhere, not like I am running screaming from the bloody building! Sometimes she just doesn't know. I don't know what she just doesn't know, she just doesn't.
My brother said I have to run on my tippy-toes to make me faster on my feet cos otherwise I look like a duck, flapping along. Now I just don't know.
My cousin said I should run like Wonder Woman because she runs with her hands down and on her tippy-toes cos she has those great boots. So she showed me how to when we were playing Wonder Woman. I was Steve and she saved me and then we swapped and she was Steve and I saved her and she showed me how to do the run and the jump. And I showed her how to do the spin when she goes from Diana to Wonder Woman; she just needs to remember to go "Bpruccchhgh!" in the middle and flick her hair when she takes off the glasses.
Now I try to run like Wonder Woman because Wonder Woman runs like she's going to save the world (not like she's running screaming from a building) with her hands down and I pretend I am wearing those great boots so I remember to run on my tippy-toes. So now at least I know.
My cousin said if any one laughs she can give them a knuckle sandwich for me. But she's only visiting. And sometimes making people laugh is a good thing.

One time our class had to do a show so we all did square-dancing, which I love. I got picked because I can do it really well. Everybody laughed. At me. Not at anyone else. Because I couldn't stop smiling.
It was at assembly and we were on the stage, doing the 'doh see doh', which I love.
And everytime I came to the front everybody laughed. Everybody.
Then I started laughing too and I couldn't stop smiling. I did my 'swing my partner, round and round, skip to the loo and take a bow. And everybody laughed. Even my teacher.
When we finished, we had to hold our partners hand and take a bow, which I love. I got the most applause. I loved it. And everybody laughed. Including me.

My brothers both play sport. They play rugby league. Its boring. My Mum loves watching them play but she is very loud. She always yells at the ref. My brothers always say 'Maaaahhhm' when she tells the ref what to do. Mum says 'Bloooody Hell!' A lot. When my brothers get tackled, she says, "Get off him you bastard!" My brothers just say, "Maaaaaahhhm! Be quiet!" And she says, "Don't you tell me to be quiet! How dare you! Come here and say that and I'll dong you on the head!" She will too. She's donged my brothers on the head before.
I hate watching my brothers play because its boring and Mum is embarassing so I go and play on the swings or make daisy chains.
One time after the game, Mum told me to go and tell my brother to meet us in the carpark by the gate. I was scared because I am shy. And even though I didn't want to she kept saying "Go!" so I had to otherwise I'd be donged on the head. I went to the changerooms which were very steamy and smelt of lin-mint. And all the boys were NAKED!
I was so embarassed. I couldn't help looking. HE was NAKED and HE was NAKED and HE was NAKED. They were all NAKED! They were flicking their towels at each other. NAKED.
I just kept saying "Tom" but I couldn't find him cos they were all NAKED.
Finally one of the boys who was wearing blue and red stripy undies with the Playboy symbol asked me if I was looking for 'Stead' (thats my brother) and I said yes so he took me to see Tom who was in the showers and he was NAKED too and the boy in the undies told Tom I was there and Tom said to wait by his bag so the boy in the undies took me to wait near Tom's bag which was on the bench next to his locker. I was trying not to look but one of the NAKED boys started dancing around with his doodle flopping all about and I couldn't stop looking! I thought I was going to faint cos it was so steamy and the lin-ment was making me whoozy. When Tom came over to his bag he said, "Mifta, stop staring!" then, "MIFTA! STOP STARING!"
But I didn't know I was so I closed my mouth and said I would go and wait outside and he said cool but the doodle boy stopped me to say is this your little bro mate and tom said yes and the boy with the doodle flopping about messed up my hair and patted my bottom and I couldn't stop looking at his doodle which was hanging in front of my face which was going red cos I was so embarassed but I couldn't stop looking at his doodle cos I had never seen a doodle like that!
Then he patted my bottom again so I thought I better get outta there because maybe I'm being naughty for looking at his doodle and thats why he's hitting my bottom. I just don't know.
My Mum said lin-mint is for your aching bones or if you have a sore body. And that you can't put it on your doodle. Cos it will burn. Your doodle. If you put it on it.
Once Mummy put lin-ment on my arm because she threw the ball the wrong way and I caught it the wrong way and it hurt my arm. Bloody ball! She massaged lin-ment on my arm and it was hot. It made me hot all over. Mummy said I got flushed but not like a toilet, but with my blood. Even though I was flushed I think it made my arm feel better almost immediately.
And I think I love it. The smell. Of lin-ment. Its lovely.
It always makes me feel lovely whenever I smell it.
And my face flushes and goes red.
And I think I am going to faint.
And I start to feel a bit whoozy.
And I remember seeing that boys doodle and my face goes even redder!